War Stories of an Internet Warrior

Ok kids, today I am going to tell you the story of how I got the Silver Spear. It is a Roman military decoration for being a complete badass.

Ok, so there we were in Teutoburg Forest and there were like 20,000 of us. We were sent there to deal with a Germanic Rebellion that happened in Germania. People there were protesting against how our wine tastes so delicious and how this git with a silly hairstyle and postage stamp moustache was causing civil unrest. So we went through the Teutoburg forest as it was the fastest way to get where we needed to go. It was a big forest with gigantic trees. The forest itself was thick, scary, and it rained for like forever not to mention how the deer and antelope watched us with a voracious hunger.

And then out of nowhere we were ambushed. There the Teutonic Knights, and millions of German spearmen and berzerkers came out of nowhere! They shot us with their muskets and their Panzers and their MG42's and FG42's and everything. They threw everything right at us and all we had was a silly suit of armor called the Lorica Segmentum, a giant square shield, and a short pointy sword.

We were dead and we knew it. We fought through them for 3 days, kicking, stabbing, punching people in the gut with our throats. We fought on endlessly, screamed at the top of our lungs and every now and then when we threw a spear we found on the floor we'd scream "SPARTA!" When we finally got out of that infernal forest it started to rain mortar shells and giant robot space ships that shot giant lasers! At that point we were against another endless horde but this time messed up robots who called themselves Weepers. I think they were a bunch of crybabies because they were all automatons or something.

The last few of us which were like 100 stabbed and kicked our way through them robots and poked the giant ones in the eye with our Gladii and in that moment we knew we had won the Latin-Germanic war and we were all awarded a silver spear... although by the time we got those awards only me and some guy named Bill was alive.

Next Time I am going to tell you the story of how I conquered Mars with a steel cestus which is like a boxing glove but more feminine and metal.