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Tales of a Madman

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Tales of a Madman

Post by Fenburg on July 15th 2013, 3:32 pm

THE EPIC OF SPARKY

Throughout the story, I will interrupt the action with random DRAGON FACTS. Enjoy.

Along time ago, but not really, there was a dragon named Sparky. Sparky was an evil dragon, the kind that waited for adventurers at the end of complex dungeons as a "boss." Sparky lived atop the tallest tower in the Evil Castle of Solitude Located Within the Tomb of Horrors Which Loomed Menacingly Over the Horrible, Soul-crushing Canyon of Callousness.

DRAGON FACT: DRAGUNZ can breath FIRE! WHOOSH!

One day, while sparky was taking a malovelent dragon nap, a young hero by the name of Fred Jr. snuck into the Evil Castle of Solitude Located Within the Tomb of Horrors Which Loomed Menacingly Over the Horrible, Soul-crushing Canyon of Callousness (Fred JR. had a sneak skill of 80, and had several saving-throw modifiers), and made off with 1/2,000,000,000,000 of Sparky's dragon Hoard.

DRAGON FACT: DRAGUNZ collect treasure to protect their soft, delicious underbellies.

Sparky, being an evil dragon, instantly vowed that he would hurl whoever stole his treasure into a dark, tentacle filled abyss. (Sparky did not yet know that Fred Jr. stole his treasure.) Sparky then burst through the ceiling of his tower, causing debris to rain down from the sky miles away, crushing a few cwuddly, wuddly, wittle fworest animals.(Squirrels, it's an inside joke.)

DRAGON FACT: DRAGUNZ are mythological fairytale animals.

Sparky, outstretched his appropriately spikey wings (he is an eveil dragon) and flew to the Goblin Swamps. There, Sparky met Biff the Goblin. Sparky asked Biff if he stole his treasure. When Biff said no, Sparky commenced with the fire breathing, which due to his geographic location, ignited a metric *ss-load of highly explosive and flammable swamp gas. The Goblin Swamp suddenly bursted into flames (because of the swamp gas, of course.) As Sparky was flying away, the Goblin Swamps exploded, due to the flames reaching the source of the swamp gas, the goblins communal latrines.

Dragon Fact: DRAGUNZ are often used as generic enemies in RPG's.

After mercilessly ending the lives of hundreds of goblin folk, Sparky was rather hungry. Breathing fire uses up a disproportionate amount of mana after-all. Sparky looked down and spotted a traveling merchant upon a road. And this merchant had a very unfreeindly looking donkey, by the looks of it. Sparky then swooped down, landed infront of the merchant, and in a evil-dragon-voice said "I'M GOING TO EAT YOU!"

DRAGON FACT: DRAGUNZ that have only one set of legs (in addition to the wings) aren't technically dragons. They are Wyverns. Just sayn'.

Sparky then ate the merchant. However, he did not eat the unfriendly looking donkey, because donkies give Dragons indigestion.

DRAGON FACT: I'm the Dungeon Master here, and I say Donkies give DRAGUNZ indigestion. No, a dice roll of 20 will no prevent this.

Sparky, because of his fear of dragon indigestion (fabled to be capable of sundering time itself) decided to set the donkey on fire instead. Unfortunately, the unfriendly looking donkey was an archmage level wizard in the guise of an unfriendly looking donkey, and this archmage level wizard knew the flame shield spell, which negates all flame based damage for 2 turns. Sparky, who did not want to waste anymore of his infinite dragon-time decided to leave the wizard alone. (In truth Sparky was weirded out by the wizard, because he suspected the wizard of having a (slightly erotic now that I think about it) petplay fetish.)

DRAGON FACT: DRAGUNZ are immortal. Probably.

Sparky finally came across a human village. This reminded him of his quest to destroy the person who stole 1/2,000,000,000,000 of his treasure. He once again swooped down, but this time to ask the village elder if anyone had come into town with 1/2,000,000,000,000 of a dragon hoard strapped to their back. The village elder said their had, and pointed to Fred Jr.'s house, which was just down the road. Sparky, looked at the village elder, and in a kind voice said, "Thanks, I have been looking for him for almost 15 minutes." Sparky then set the village elder on fire, but this would soon become irrelevant.

DRAGON FACT: Not all DRAGUNZ are evil. Oh what am I saying, yes they are.

Sparky busted down the door of Fred Jr.'s house and stuck his head in through the door way. Their he spied Fred Jr., who was quietly spooning the stolen treasure. With literal fire in his eyes, Sparky said to Fred Jr. "I'm going to hurl you into a dark, tentacle filled abyss!" Sparky, being a level 2,487 Evil Dragon, knew many evil spells. He called upon his vast reserves of mana (which is used up disproportionately fast for breathing fire, for balancing reasons), and hurled Fred Jr, and the rest of the universe, also literally, into a dark tentacle filled abyss.

DRAGON FACT: DRAGUNZ hold grudges. Big ones. And they have memories like turtles. SEA TURTLES!

The end. Forever.
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Re: Tales of a Madman

Post by Fenburg on July 15th 2013, 3:32 pm

Tales O' GIBBERISH V1

I remember the good old days. I was in 'nam, and it was cold. About -38 degrees kelvin. It was snowing, and the snow left 2nd degree burns on my skin. My platoon of had just mounted our kangaroos, and begun a charge on the dolphin-artillery of our enemies, the Confederate States of America. Halfway through the charge, the first dolphin hit, and the man on the kangaroo next to me exploded in a shower of whipped cream. I raised my chocolate pudding, and let loose a barrage of brownies at the approaching dolphin-artillery guns. The brownies ricocheted off their highly flammable, licorice sides, causing sparks. These sparks then ignited the guns. Upon seeing the destruction of their long-range support, the Confederates let loose their own bear cavalry. One of them tackled my kangaroo before I could fire another shot off from my pudding. When it seemed like this would be the final breath expelled from my booze-hole, an allied ROFL-copter arrived and delivered a barrage of sguirrel-missiles upon the bears. I was then air lifted to safety. And that's how we won the Spanish-American War.

At least, that's I think it happened.
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Re: Tales of a Madman

Post by Fenburg on July 15th 2013, 3:34 pm

TALES O' GIBBERISH V2

More random gibberish!
If I were a tree, I would be a wizard tree!
Yes trees can be wizards, they know arbormancy.
ANARCHY!
I cast petrify, and roll 1d20, guaranteeing that the spell hit and took effect!
Yo are petrified, And I AM A NERD! And an antelope! And a tree wizard!
THIS IS SPARTA! I AM SPARTACUS!
*NO, I'M SPARTACUS!*
*NUH-UNH! I'M SPARTACUS*
*SCREW YOU, I'M THE REAL SPARTACUS!*
I AM LEONIDAS!
*WELL I'M ACHILLES!*
THEN I AM THE RINGBEARER! BOW BEFORE FRODO BAGGINS!
SQUID
SQUID
SQUID
SQUID
SQUID
SQUID
DEER
IF I WERE A GIRL, I'D BE AN UGLY GIRL! THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE! I'M RICK JAMES [expletive deleted]!
I WEAR SWEATER VESTS LIKE PANTS, AND SHORT SHORTS LIKE HATS!
I WAS ABDUCTED BY ALIENS, AND RECEIVED A PROBING! IT WAS MILD!
*What do you mean it was mild?*
I ASKED FOR HOT SAUCE, BUT THIS SAUCE IS ONLY MILD!
I DEMAND GHOST PEPPERS!
VLADIMIR PUTIN ONCE STOLE A SUPER BOWL RING! GOOGLE THIS TO SEE THE VIDEO: DAILY SHOW VLADIMIR PUTIN STEALS SUPER BOWL RING
A WALRUS WITHOUT TUSKS IS JUST A FAT SEA-LION!
WITH A MUSTACHE!
THEY AIN'T GOT NOTH'N ON OTTERS!
ROFL-COPTERS:SOY SOY SOY SOY SOY SOY SOY SOY SOY SOY SOY SOY SOY SOY SOY
SOME OF YOU WILL GET THAT REFERENCE, AND YOU'LL THINK IT'S HILARIOUS!
MARMALADE!
DON'T BRING CATS WITH YOU INTO YOUR FORTRESS, THEY'LL OVERRUN THE PLACE!
KAAAAHHHHHHHNNNNNN!
CALIGULA WAS ONE SWELL GUY! SO WAS KHARN! THAT'S ANOTHER REFERENCE!
YOU'LL BE GLaD I"M MAKING ALL THESE REFERENCES. <---- THAT'S ONE TOO! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

THE GRIF BALL THEME SONG, AS SUNG AND WRITTEN BY ME: NEVER GONNA GRIF UP/ NEVER GONNA GRIF YOU DOWN/ NEVER GONNA GRIF AROUND AND GRIF YOU!/ NEVER GRIF YOU CRY/ NEVER GONNA SAY GRIF-BYE/ NEVER GONNA GRIF A LIE AND GRIF YOU!

THAT'S 2 REFERENCES IN ONE! WHAT AM I, THE [expletive deletd] DRAGONBORN! BLAM!!!!!!!!!!!

LEONARDO DICAPRIO IS A TERRIBLE ACTOR! YET HE LIVES UP TO THE GREAT GATSBY! HOW!?
*I don't know.*
SHUT UP, RESPECT MY AUTHORITIE!(oth-or-i-tye)
I HAVE THREE NIPPLES!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Re: Tales of a Madman

Post by Fenburg on July 15th 2013, 3:35 pm

TALES O' GIBBERISH V3

DON'T TAZE ME BRO, DON'T TAZE ME.
You know what time it is?
It's Time for more Tales OF GIBBERISH

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!
SHUT UP KIDDOS, I DON'T WANNA HEAR ANYMORE ABOUT YOUR COMMODORE 72'S AND YBAWKS 720'S.
I'M GONNA TELL YOU A TALE ABOUT THE GOOD OLD DAYS.

*But Grandpaaaaa, your stories suck.

IT WAS IN THE FALL OF 1336, B.C.E. ALSO KNOWN AS THE AUTUMN OF AUTUMNAL AUTUMN-ESS!
I WAS STANDING ON THE PORCH, WHEN SUDDENLY, A GROUP OF MARAUDING JACKIE CHAN'S APPEARED!
[Turn to page 2 to watch me fight the Jackie Chan's]
[Turn to page 3 to watch me go back inside, and take a nap]
[Turn to page 4 to watch me attempt to engage in coitus with a tree]

*Go to page 2 Grandpa

AND SO I BEGAN TO ENGAGE THE TREE IN COITUS! I GOT A SPLINTER! BUT IT WAS A RADIOACTIVE SPLINTER!
AND THATS HOW I BECAME THE TREE WIZARD FROM MY LAST TALE OF GIBBERISH!

*I thought the splinter was radioactive, how did it give you magic powers.

SHUT UP, YOU FILTHY ORPHANS, THIS IS MY STORY!
WELL ANYWAY, AFTER 'NAM, CAME 1812, WHEN THE PORTUGUESE RE-INVADED SPACE EUROPE! AND OF COURSE THEY NEEDED A HERO TO FACE DOWN THEM PORTUGUESE.
THAT HERO WAS THE UNHOLY, DEMON SPAWN OF BILLY D. WILLIAMS AND THE MORGAN FREEMAN, A.K.A ME!
WELL I STOCKED MYSELF UP ON ALL THE WEAPONS OF MY TRADE: NUCLEAR MOUSE TRAPS, AND A LINK TO A SITE THAT HAD A LINK TO ANOTHER PAGE OF THAT SITE, THAT I DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT, THAT CONTAINED SOMETHING THAT WAS NSFW!
THERE WERE MANY LULZ TO BE HAD!

*Screw you Grandpa, I'm leaving

HA-HA, JUST AS PLANNED! NOW I CAN GET TO THE REAL GIBBER GABBER!
AND THE RING BEARER DID RIDE THE EAGLES TO THE MOUNTAIN, DID A DRIVE BY, DROPPED THE RING INTO THE FIRE, AND THAT'S HOW THE MOVIE SHOULD HAVE ENDED!
BUT NO, THEY HAD TO SODOMIZE OUR EYE AND SOUND HOLEZ WITH THREE MOVIES WORTH OF FANTASY NONSENSE! PREQUELS!
*Whatever happened to that Spartacus fellow.
HE AND ALL THE OTHER SPARTACUSAS... SPARTACI WERE ROUNDED UP AND SENT TO A NICE LITTLE PLACE CALLED " I'm the Roman empire and I'm going to torture you all ta death, ha ha"
THAT ODYSEUS THOUGH, THE GREATEST HERO WHOEVER LIKED TO INSERT HIMSELF INTO REPLICAS OF ANIMALS!
BUT MY FAVORITE GREEK HERO IS A LITTLE FELLOW BY THE NAME OF OEDIPUS REX, ALSO KNOWN A THE GUY THAT DID TO HIS DAUGHTER WHAT I DID TO THAT TREE, AND THEN KILLED HIMSELF!
CERTAINLY, HE DID EMBODY EVERY GOOD IDEAL THAT THE GREEKS EVER STOOD FOR, LIKE DEMOCRACY, AND INCEST! AND BEING FROM KENTUCKY, I KNOW A THING OR TWO ABOUT INCEST! WOOO DOGGIE!
*YOU BE QUIET, that is a very offensive stereotype. Anyone from Kentucky will tell you that the people in Missouri are the ones into incest. We kentuckians, however, are partial to bestiality.
WHAT DID I SAY EARLIER! THIS MY STORY, QUIT INTERUPT'N!
ANYWAY, THE PORTUGUESE EVENTUALLY GOT THEMSELVES FLUSHED DOWN THE ASTRAL TOILET!
AND AGAIN, THERE WE'RE LULZ TO BE HAD.
BUT I DIGRESS, THE MONKEY RID'N JETPACK OTTER FROM THE NINTH MOON OF OUR MOON IN THE BACKWARDS GALAXY GOT WHAT HE DESERVED!
EVERYTHING!
AND I MEAN EVERYTHING!
HE OWNS US ALL! LET US ALL BOW DOWN, AND PRAY THAT HE IS MERCIFUL!

AND SO ENDS THIS TALE OF GIBBERISH. BECAUSE I'M TO TIRED TO CONTINUE!
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Re: Tales of a Madman

Post by Fenburg on July 15th 2013, 3:42 pm

TAILS O' GIBBERISH V4

WHERE DID I LEAVE OFF!?

*The otter just got everything, and we should pray that he is merciful.

DID I TELL YOU TO TALK, NOW GO MAKE ME A SANDWICH WHILE A MAKE UP NONSENSE TO FIT INTO MY BACKSTORY!
AND THERE BETTER NOT BE ANY BREAD ON THAT SANDWICH!

*That's not even a sandwich Grandpa!

WHO SAID THAT YOU GET TO DECIDE WHAT DOES AND DOESN'T CONSTITUTE SANDWICHES! I FOUGHT FOR YOUR RIGHT TO MAKE THAT SANDWICH THAT YOUR GOING TO MAKE FOR ME, AND YOU BETTER BE THANKFUL, YOU LITTLE INGRATE! AND IF I HERE ANY MORE LIP OUT OF YOU, I WILL ADMINISTER A SPANKING UPON YOU OF UNTOLD PROPORTIONS OF EROTICISM! IF I WASN'T IN THIS STRAITJACKET, I MEAN!

*This is the exact reason the court ordered you into this insane asylum. Directing sexually explicit and violent statements toward minors. Screw you Grandpa, I'm leaving, again.

NO, DON'T GO! THEY BEAT ME WHEN YOUR NOT HERE!

...

THAT SHIFTY LITTLE ORPHAN WILL BE BACK. THEY ALWAYS COME BACK!

...

MY PLATOON HAD JUST BEEN DEPLOYED IN THE KITCHEN, BY THE SINK! OUR TARGET, THE YELLOW SCRUBBY-THINGY! A LOT KIKE A SPONGE, BUT BIGGER, AND TWICE AS SOFT! BUT WITH THAT EXTRA SOFTNESS CAME AN INBORN, MURDEROUS INSTINCT! WE BEGAN BY SEARCHING THE SILVERWARE FOR SUSPICIOUS ACTIVITY! I TURNED MY BACK FOR 1.7642398157 SECONDS, AND DONK-HEAD, THE UNITS KOALA HANDLER, HAD DISSAPEARED! THE KOALAS WOULD NEVER SURVIVE UNATTENDED, AND I LACKED THE NECESSARY TRAINING FOR BATTLEFIELD KOALA MAINTENANCE! WE HAD TO SELL THEM TO ONE OF THE LOCAL PAPERTOWEL PEOPLE IN EXCHANGE FOR SOME SPONGE BAIT! UPON LEAVING THEIR CAMP, WE WE'RE AMBUSHED AGAIN! THIS TIME BY GERALD, THE CAT THAT PROWLS THE COUNTER TOP!

GERALD ATE.... EVERYONE! I WAS THE ONLY SURVIVOR LEFT IN MY UNIT!

*What Did I Say About Talking To Yourself, Old Man!

I LAID THE SPONGEBAIT DOWN, AND TOOK UP OVRWATCH BEHIND THE TOASTER!

*It's As If Your Asking Me to Whip Out My Baton!

I WAITED FOR MANY HOURS! THE SMALLER, HERBIVOROUS SPONGES APPROACHED FIRST! AND THE IT ARRIVED! THE SPONGE I HAD BEEN SEEKING!

*That's It, Your Getting Battoned!

I BEGAN TO FURIOUSLY CHUCK GRENADES AT THE BEAST, WHEN SUDDENLY, IT EXPLO-AHHH! AHHH! OOOOOOGGHH! OOOWWWW! WAAAGGGHH!

*I Said Be Quiet!

EEEEEHHH! OOOOH! AAAAHHHH! NNNAAAAGGH! NNNAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

And thus ends this tale of gibberish!
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Re: Tales of a Madman

Post by Fenburg on July 19th 2013, 1:10 am

TAILS O' GIBBERISH V5

*Grandpa, Slow Down!

I'M NEVER SLOW'N DOWN AGAIN!
THEY THOUGHT THEY COULD KEEP ME IN THAT ASYLUM! THEY WERE WRONG! HAHAHAHAHA!
THE SWAN ATE MY BABY! I'M OL' LONG JOHNSON! FREEDOM!

*You Knocked Out The Guards, Stole A Car, Kidnapped Me, And Now The Police Are Chasing US!

WHAT'S A POLICE?! I DON'T SEE ANY POLICE! I'M JUST AN INNOCENT OLD MAN, OUT ON A DRIVE! IT'S NOT LIKE I HAVE ANY DRUGS OR ANYTHING! WHO SAID I HAD DRUGS! DID YOU TELL THE POLICE ABOUT MY DRUGS?!

*What's This I'm Sitting On?! Is This... Heroin-OW, Grandpa You Slapped Me!

DON'T YOU TOUCH MY DRUGS, YOU FILTHY ORPHAN! NOW BE A GOOD LITTLE TROLL, AND GET MY COCAINE OUT OF TH-

!!!GRRRAAARRRRAAARRRGGHHH!!!

*Is That A Tiger!?

IT'S A RARE ALBINO PUMA! THE LOCAL ZOO HAD IT ON LONE FROM ASIA! CAN YOU BELEIVE THEY WERE JUST GIVING IT AWAY!

*THIS IS THE POLICE. STOP NOW, OR WE WILL USE DEADLY FORCE.

*Grandpa, What Are You Doing?! Why are you Driving Towards The Pier?!

IF I'M GOING OUT, I'M GLAD I'M GOING OUT WITH YOU SMURFETTE!

!!!GRRRAAARRRRAAARRRGGHHH!!!

*Wha-

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*This is Gabriel Downs, reporting live at the scene of last night's police chase. Our reports say that the driver of the stolen vehicle was an illegal immigrant of Icelandic origin. The passenger is believed to be the famous rapster Snoop Dogg, but this has yet to be confirmed. In unrelated news, a rare albino puma was stolen from the zoo last night. It was on loan from a Chinese zoo, and they are less than happy about the current situation. Also unrelated, a 13 year old child was kidnapped last night as well. There are currently no leads, but the child's foster parents claim to be very worried, but I have my doubts. More information will be reported as it is acquired, but for now, this has been Gabriel Downs, live news anchorman.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was born a poor black child.

*Grandpa, you're white, and you're not yelling.

IT'S THE COCAINE WITHDRAWLS! AND WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT TALKING YOU STUPID ORPAN! WHAT WAS I THINKING WHEN I KIDNAPPED YOU! WHERE ARE WE, SOME KIND OF ISALAND! STUPID OCEAN MUST HAVE WASHED US OUT TO SEA, AGAIN! I'M HUNGRY, LET"S GET A TACO!

*We're on a desserted Island, there are no tacos.

SHUT UP! NOW YOU JUST SIT THERE WHILE I RAMBLE ON ABOUT MY WAR DAYS WHILE I WAIT FOR THE STARVATION TO SET IN! IT WAS SOMETIME AFTER THE LAST STORY, BUT ABOUT A MONTH BEFORE THE FIRST STORY! ME AND THE REST OF MY UNIT, WHICH CONSTITUTED JUST ME, SINCE THEY WERE ALL EATEN BY A HOUSE CAT! I WAS ON THE ISLAND FOR MANY MINUTES, BUT THEN A RAVENOUS HUNGER BEGAN TO SET IN! THE ONLY THING I HAD TO EAT ON THE ISLAND WAS THE MEAT OF AN ORPHAN CHILD I HAD BEEN ACQUAINTED WITH!

*Are you implying somethi-

YES, COCONUTS DO MAKE GOOD BLUDGEONS!

!!!GRRRAAARRRRAAARRRGGHHH!!!

PUMA, YOU'RE ALIVE! EAT UP, PLENTY OF ORPHAN MEAT TO GO AROUND!

And Thus Ends This Tale Of Gibberish.
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Re: Tales of a Madman

Post by Fenburg on July 25th 2013, 2:25 am

Time for more Tales of the variety of which you all love. The Gibberish kind.
*I hate you Grandpa.
THE FEELING IS MUTUAL, BUT YOU TASTE DELICIOUS! DO YOU WANT A PIECE OF THIS ORPHAN!?
*I'm that orphan. You knocked me out with a coconut, in order to eat me, because this island didn't have tacos. Yet you had a coconut in your hand that you could've just eaten instead.
WHAT WOULD THE PUMA EAT THEN, HUH!?
*I Don't Care About The Puma! We We're On The Island For Thirty Minutes And You Instantly Resort To Eating Me! Why Didn't You Eat The Puma Instead!?
ONE DOES NOT SIMPLY EAT A RARE, ALBINO PUMA FROM ASI-
!!!GRRRAAARRRRAAARRRGGHHH!!!
NO PUMA, GET OFF MY ORPHAN LEG!
!!!GRRRAAARRRRAAARRRGGHHH!!!
IT'S MINE!
!!!GRRRAAARRRRAAARRRGGHHH!!!
GET YOUR OWN ORPHAN MEAT! THERE'S A WHOLE ONE RIGHT THERE!
*Screw You, Grandpa!
!!!GRRRAAARRRRAAARRRGGHHH!!!
[Helicopter noises]
ROFL-COPTER INCOMING, IT'S A STRAFING RUN! SCATTER INTO THE JUNGLE!
*THIS IS EMERGENCY RESCUE SERVICES! WE ARE HERE TO RESCUE YOU! MEDICS WILL BE DOWN TO HELP YOU SOO.... WHERE IS HE RUNNING OFF TOO?
*Don't Let Him Get Away! He And His Puma Cannibalized me!
!!!GRRRAAARRRRAAARRRGGHHH!!!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is Gabriel Downs, Live at Ottawa's Mormon Hospital, and I'm sitting here with... some orphan child blah, blah, blah... What was it like on the island?

*My Grandpa and his puma ate my leg.
You are saying that this man known as "Grandpa" was in a police chase several nights ago, correct
*Yes.
And that he kidnapped you?
*Correct.
And that he stole that puma?
*I think the puma might've went voluntarily. It seemed like they new each other.
That seems unlikely. Lets see what "Grandpa" has to say.
I REGRET NOTHING! THAT ORPHAN HAD IT COMING! DON'T YOU SEND ME BACK TO THAT ASYLUM! I'M INNOCENT! THE PUMA MADE ME DO IT! I WAS ON COCAINE AND HEROINE AT THE TIME! THEY BEAT ME! I FOUGHT IN MANY A FICTITIOUS WAR! YOU OWE YOU'RE INDEPENDENCE TO ME! I AM A WALRUS! OORT! OORT! OORT! Back to you Gabriel.
*Okay... Commercial break.
And this tale ends, for now.


Last edited by Fenburg on October 12th 2013, 2:39 am; edited 1 time in total
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Re: Tales of a Madman

Post by Gatito on August 18th 2013, 11:21 am

COMMERCIAL BREAK?! Are you going to let the FREE MARKET interfere with your story?! You make me sick!
(Just kidding, I am normal!)
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Re: Tales of a Madman

Post by Qora on August 22nd 2013, 1:13 am

Is the commercial break over soon?
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Re: Tales of a Madman

Post by GROSS Independency on August 22nd 2013, 5:23 pm

Fenburg, I thought you kept your... unusuality confined to school. ...that last part... about the walrus...

.....?
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Re: Tales of a Madman

Post by Fenburg on August 23rd 2013, 11:33 pm

Whelp ya'll, it's been a while, but the commercial break is finally over. Here it is:

The Tales O' Gibberish series finale.

THAT WHEELCHAIR REALLY BRINGS OUT THE COLOR IN YOUR EYES!

*No, You Get Away From Me! I Have A Restraining Order!

BABY, COME ON! YOU KNOW YOU CAN'T RESIST MY ROGUISH GOOD LOOKS AND SOOTHING VOICE! NOW GIVE GRANDPA A KISS!

*No! Get Off Of Me! You Ate My Leg, And Put Me In This Wheelchair! I'm Not Going To Let You Kiss Me! How Did You Even Get Out Of Prison!

ORPHAN... IS THAT YOU!?

*What Do You Think!?


ORPHAN! I'M SO SORRY I TRIED TO SEXUALLY HARASS YOUR FACE WITH MY MOUTH, BUT THAT WHEELCHAIR... IT'S... JUST SO... APPEALING! IT'S LIKE YOUR SOME KIND OF MECHANICAL, HALF-ROBOT, CYBORG, WASHING MACHINE... THING! IT JUST MAKES ME WANT TO STRO-

*Don't You Finish That Sentence!

WELL, IF YOU DIDN'T WANT ME TO OGLE YOU, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE WORN SUCH A SKIMPY WHEELCHAIR! IT'S AS IF YOU'RE ASKING FOR THIS KIND OF ATTENTION! AND WHAT KIND OF SICK GAME ARE YOU PLAYING? TRYING TO TRICK YOUR GRANDPA INTO MAKING OUT WITH YOU! ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE EVEN MY ORPHAN? I DON'T REMEMBER YOU BEING THIS UPPITY!


*Oh No, I'm Just One Of The Other Hundreds Of People Whose Legs You've Eaten! And You're Not Even My Grandpa, He Lives In Hawaii! You Just Never Gave Me Your Real Name!

I HAD A REAL NAME ONCE! IT WAS NINE YEARS AGO FOUR YEARS AGO YESTERDAY'S TOMORROW TODAY! I WAS A SECRET AGENT IN HER MAJESTY'S SECRET SERVICE!

*You better not say that you're name was-


MY NAMES BOND, JAMES BOND!


*I Don't Care About Your Stories, You Dirty, Old Liar!

THEN WE'LL HAVE ANOTHER ADVENTURE! QUICK, TO THE GRAND THEFT AUTO-MOBILE!

*No Grandpa! Stop Pulling Me By My Chair! SOMEONE HELP! HE'S KIDNAPPING ME! HELP! I'M IN DANGE-OW, Grandpa, you just hit me, again!

BE QUITE, YOU FILTHY ORPHAN! YOU'RE GOING ON AN ADVENTURE AND YOU ARE GOING TO LI-WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WAIT! NO STOP! YOU'RE... STRANGLING... ME! I CAN'T BREATH!


[Kid, What Are You Doing!? Get Off Of Him! You Just Can't Strangle The Elderly! I Said Get Off Of Him! I Have Pepperspray!]

*AHHH MY EYES! I'M ALLERGIC TO PEPPERS YOU IDIOT! BGGHRYTUYHGTYR$%^YTVBNI. I'M GOING INTO SHOCK! GREAT!. JBHYTUGYVER!

THANK YOU FOR THE ASSISTANCE, GOOD SAMARITAN! I SHALL TAKE MY YOUNG ASSAILANT TO THE HOSPITAL WITH POST HASTE!

<---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------->

*Unghh. Where am I?

ON A PLANE!

*On A Plane?! To Where?!

CHINA!


*Oh no, not the-

YES, WE'RE GOING TO RESCUE PUMA!

*I hate you Granpda.


I LIKE FUDGE TOO, ORPHAN!

*Uhmm... yeah... So, how did you escaped from prison again? You were only in there for 2 weeks.

BOMB THREAT!

*That's it... a bomb threat?

YES, A BOMB THREAT! NOW EXCUSE ME WHILE I GO MAKE A BOMB THREAT!

*What?

(The old man stands up from his seat, and walks into the cockpit at the front of the plane. The old man then exits the cockpit, and returns to his seat.)

*Did you really just go and make a bomb threat?

(The front of the plane suddenly explodes, and the fuselage and passengers enter a nosedive towards the ocean.)

*I HATE YOU GRANDPPAAAAAAAA!!!!!

<---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------->

UNGHH, WHERE AM I! WHERE'S MY ORPHAN!

{You and your young accomplice are in a hospital. The orphan is on the other side of the curtain.}

*I. HATE. YOU. GRANDPA.

{The authorities recovered the black box from the plane. It contained footage of you entering the cockpit of the plane. You then placed a phallus shaped object onto the controls between the two pilots. Then you returned to your seat. Five seconds later, the phallus shaped object exploded.}

IS THIS CHINA?!

{No, this is Japan. But that doesn't matter, because you and your accomplice are going to be extradited to Guantanamo Bay, for terrorism charges, within the hour.)

JAPAN?! DID YOU JUST SAY JAPAN?!

{Yes}


(The old man takes a single, long inhale.)

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

<---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------->

Gabriel Downs, live news anchorman here. We have just received news that a military plane, containing suspected terrorists extradited from Japan, has just crashed into the Atlantic Ocean. The authorities are still unsure of what caused the crash, but the remains of an unidentified, phallus shaped object are believed to be somehow involved with the crash. All but two of the passengers have been accounted for. Emergency rescue teams are continuing their search, but the odds of recovering the two missing people at this point are slim to none. This has been Gabriel Downs, live news anchorman.

THE END.


Last edited by Fenburg on October 12th 2013, 2:43 am; edited 2 times in total
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Re: Tales of a Madman

Post by Fenburg on October 8th 2013, 10:54 pm

The Epic of Sparky. Chapter 2.
Life in the Tentacle Filled Abyss wasn't all bad for Sparky, our favorite evil dragon. There were tentacles, not the Japanese kind wink-wink, and eldritch abominations of varying levels of eldritch-ness, and there was, uhm... cheese? Who am I kidding the abyss is just gawd-awful... it's dark, it's lonely, it's cold, the tentacles are always tryin' to violate your orifices contrary to what I said earlier, and frankly, Sparky had had enough.




DRAGON FACT: What, were you expecting another one? I'm all out! Go on then, on your bike.




Calling upon his vast stores of mana, Sparky gave the Dark Tentacle Filled Abyss the proverbial middle talon, opened up a portal, and un-hurled the universe out of the abyss.




DRAGON FACT: Sparky has become a Mary Sue, and therefore boring. Going to have to fix this.




Sparky having been reverted to a level 1 minor nuisance by the narrator, looked upon the world from his new vantage point as a baby dragon with trepidation. How could he, a harmless, yet sadistically evil, dragon hatchling strike fear into the hearts of men and fae-folk while standing only a mere half-meter in height, and not possessing enough mana to breathe fire for more than 2/3rd's a second. Seriously, only 2/3rd's a second. That's not even enough time to singe a small hamlet. The crestfallen baby-Sparky thusly wandered off, his new wings being considerably weaker and less pointy, never to be seen again.




DRAGON FACT: For true, the new Sparky did give all the other, cooler dragons, like Smaug, Alduin, and Grigori, a bad name, or at least he did, until we get to the next part of the story!




Sparky wandered into a small grove in forest. Located there was a sign that read "Here there be sheep." Sparky was perplexed by this for several reasons. First of all, what the f*ck's a sheep? Could they mean those white poof ball things that burn so good and romantic-like against the night sky. Secondly, what business does a dragon have understanding the written lingua franca? Honestly, being an immortal force of destruction and fire kind of makes reading irrelevant. Truly, one of life's greatest mysteries.




Anyway, a sheep wandered up to sparky and went "ba-a-a-a-a," the traditional greeting amongst the sheep folk. Sparky, not being a sheep, only had one emotional response. OUTRAGE! Sparky huffed and he puffed and he set the highly flammable sheep on fire, 2/3rd's a second being more than enough time in this scenario.




DRAGON FACT: Yeah, I went there.




Suddenly, out of nowhere, there was a noise. It sounded kind'a like a "di-i-i-i-i-ng", but with more angelic humming in the background. Then a peculiar set of words flashed across the screen. The words read "LEVEL UP." Sparky had leveled up with xp gained from murdering the cwuddly wuddly lwitlle shweepy weepy. With what passes for an evil grin, Sparky began to set the grove on fire, and mauled anything that could not be burned with his now 1 whole seconds worth of fire.
The now level 5 and considerably happier Sparky was strolling through the woods when he spied an unfortunately very familiar face. The face of one sexually deviant mage. The mage was on his hands and knees, naked, and sitting astride his back, also naked, was a very hairy ogre. In the ogre's hand was a riding crop, with which he began to furiously and vigorously swat the mage's...




DRAGON FACT: Oh gawd what am I writing... Fanfiction?! Scene-change! Scene-change now!




Sparky with as much haste as possible, flew away on his now more powerful and pointy wings, hoping never to see what he just saw again. The memories would haunt him for the rest of his days. After several hours of flight, Sparky still could not forget what he had saw. Even thoughts of adorable kittens couldn't make him un-see that which he had seen. But then he saw something that made him forget all about that which he was trying to not remember. There, on the horizon, was a peculiar looking Dwarf Fortress.




Dragon Fact: This this is the end of chapter 2. I'll try to make this a weekly sort of thing from now on. Look for chapter 3 soon.
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Re: Tales of a Madman

Post by Fenburg on October 15th 2013, 12:35 am

The Epic of Sparky-Chapter 3
Asën was a typical marksdwarf (A dwarf with a crossbow), out patrolling the wretched surface world, when a moderately menacing shadow passed over him. Asën, being a good, responsible marksdwarf did what any marksdwarf would do in this situation. VIOLENTLY HUNT DOWN THE DISTURBANCE, NO MATTER HOW SMALL AND INSIGNIFICANT IT MAY BE, AND BLINDLY ATTACK IT UNTIL EITHER HE OR IT WAS DEAD!
Dwarf Fact: Yeah, I'm doin' dwarf facts now.
While Asën was exploring the area, looking for things to slaughter, our little dragon friend, Sparky, was deciding on whether or not he should attack the Dwarves, or Dwarfs, or Dorfs, or however you want to spell it.(According to Google, it's Dwarfs. The more you know...) Anyway, it was quite a conundrum. Dwarfs drop a lot of xp when slain. Dwarfs are high level enemies with 'lots of health... and armor. Dwarfs are more flammable than your average squishy. Dwarfs live in big, incredibly complex, stone fortresses.
Dwarf Fact: The Dwarf body contains exactly 13 major organs: A booze-hole, an axe, and 11 beards.
Sparky eventually decided that he would, in fact, attack the delicious little Dwarf-chops.
Dwarf Fact: Dwarf-chops are delicious.
Asën, still on his murderous rampage against anything even moderately suspicious, noticed a cute little bunny sitting on a stump. Asën knew what had to be done, this cute little bunny was behaving rather suspiciously: It was frolicking about, being adorable, munchin' some grass, being adorable, sitting on a stump, being adorable. All very suspicious things by Dwarfen standards, and since it was suspicious, IT HAD TO DIE!
Dwarf Fact: In Dwarfen society, there are no adorable things. Only sharp or itchy-scraggly things.
Asën lifted his crossbow, already loaded with bolts made of elf bone, and took aim at the bunny. Asën, being the terrible shot that he is, had to put all his concentration into aiming, and thus did not hear the sound of evil, adolescent, dragon wings descending behind him.
Dwarf Fact: Dwarfs have only one gender: Drunk. They reproduce via spores.
Right as Asën was about to pull the trigger and end the life of a cute little bunny, he felt an odd sensation in his left leg. This interrupted Asën's concentration, and thus he had to re-concentrate on killing the bunny all over again. For several more minutes, Asën tried concentrating on bunny-murder, but the sensation in his leg wouldn't stop, and it was beginning to become annoying. Finally, after about a half-hour of the constant, annoying, distracting sensation in his leg, Asën finally decided to investigate, so he could get on with the slaughter of the bunny. At first, the Dwarf didn't notice anything, but that's because his beady little Dwarf eyes were not accustomed to the bright sunlight. Finally, upon closer inspection, he discovered that the source of his discomfort was, in fact, caused by the constant nibblings of a sinister, giant gecko. Oh wait, no, that's a dragon.
"Oi, scawly, whart 'cha doo'n da ma laeg?!" said Asën, in an extremely thick Dwarfen accent. "kan'cha stee thwart ee'ma troo'n da shlay dart boownie?!
Sparky, being able to understand mortal language for some reason, and still with the dwarf's boot and leg in his mouth replied: "I'm farming you for xp and levels, now just stand still so I can finish eating you."
"Oi, scawly, ee'ma Dorf, 'cha goo'na harv'ta troo 'awrter thoo'n thwart da ert' mae! Neu of'wif cha!"
Asën kicked Spaprky off his leg, and raised his crossbow to shoot the bunny... again, but the bunny had left earlier when the Dwarf began speaking in his horrible accent. Sparky, now furious, breathed fire at the dwarf. The combination of beards, exactly eleven of them, and the booze-stains and fumes, created a highly volatile combination. So volatile, that the instant Sparky's flame touched Asën, he... well... exploded. Bright flash of light, huge fireball, shockwave, that sort of thing. Singed beard hairs rained down from the sky, and a crater the size of a small Giant Panda were all that remained of the Dwarf.
Dwarf Fact: Dwarfs like booze...
Again, there was an angelic Di-i-i-i-i-i-ng, and the "level up" words flashed across the screen. Sparky had reached level 8! But this vicyory would be short lived, because all the other Dwarfs in the fortress had heard the explosion, and had come to investigate anything suspicious. Dwarfs are not to be trifled with. To be continued...
Dwarf Fact: Cliff hanger ending, mysterious.
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